Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
