he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
