I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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