he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
