Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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