I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me