If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
