no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me