textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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