i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
