proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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