Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
