so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
