Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
