I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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