Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can text with my tongue
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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