I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
