Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
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I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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