My first STD was from a foam party
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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