I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
