hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
