I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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