a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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