Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
