Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
