She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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