I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
