i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
