why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
