I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
