How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
