Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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