when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
