This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
