so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
