yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
