i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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