Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
foreskin is a definite game changer
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
