my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
