He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
