i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
