I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We left an ass print on the piano.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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