I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
