so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
