ugly people sure do ruin things
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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