some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
