I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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