my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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