My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
