would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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