She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
