Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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