Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he shaved USA in his pubs
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
