soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
