i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
