I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
