he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
