so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
