im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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