One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
