this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
