If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
