Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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